Diary of an up and coming sociopath

This new year’s we’re feeling decidedly unmoved to celebrate. Personally I’ve never felt all that bothered about the calendar changing and there’s always a general listlessness surrounding the evening, so we figured we could head that off at the pass and just not bother with anything. Josh came up with his family so the four of us (Me, Ian, Josh and Nikki) are just hanging around doing nothing of note. Though I did thrash Josh at Mario Kart DS (again.)

And in the style of 2003 and 2004 (I love having a blog to look back on in this way.) It’s time for a little retrospection, my one concession to the entire “New Year” movement.

The first notable event happened in January when I was woken up by the sound of a mouse eating stuff in my rucksack. It didn’t last long after that, and I suspect it’s one death that I’ll always have on my conscience. It’s an anecdote that I’ll be telling for years though.

The next anecdote I’ll be going on about for years happened in February and involves slightly less in the way of cute rodents. It’s that time Ian and I were forced out of a tube train by the pure stench of the homeless. Never before have I experienced a stench so pure in its offensiveness as that.

In April, I began doing comic mini-reviews which lasted about 6 months and garnered almost nothing in the way of response. I enjoyed doing them, but this was probably the wrong forum for such material.

Some time in May I let my political streak get the better of me during the run up to the election and became a non-voter. Armchair activism is about all I’m good for, though I also enjoy whinging on the internet, so who knows, maybe I had some effect.

This year’s truly notable thing will always be, however, Britain’s answer to 9/11. I’ll always have a story to tell about that one, though it’s not going to be as heroic or heartbreaking as some. In true cynical misanthropist fashion, I’ll always remember it primarily as the day Tony Blair got to see what the cost of his stab at imperialism truly was.

It’s not all death, vermin and politics though. This September I got myself the new PC I’ve been waiting to buy for five years. After my other rig set on fire last year, it was only a matter of time. Still going strong (and booting in under 30 seconds) 4 months later.

The lightness continues with going to see Never Mind the Buzzcocks being filmed in October and meeting Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright in November, not to mention seeing Patrick Stewart perform a Christmas Carol in December.

The geekiness wasn’t just restricted to that, and this year Ian, Al and I got free lightsabers at Expo and Josh and I met George Romero at Memorabilia. Memorabilia in fact was utterly awesome because of how much it’s expanded since we last went. I had become slightly jaded with it the last few I went to and I didn’t got to one at all in 2004, as I recall, but now I can’t wait to go again.

There were plenty of changes at work, the obvious two being moving from London Bridge to Shaftesbury Avenue and getting promoted. I can find no suitable entry for the latter because I don’t like blogging about work too much. I spend all day at work and the last thing I want to do is think about it in the evenings, and besides, it could quite easily land me in some trouble if I publically insult the wrong managing director. I’m not afraid to say, though, that the company boot camp in Tenerife was not the high point of the year. Most of that complaining was done in private on my livejournal, so if you want the whole truth, you’ll have to get one and add channelzero as a friend, which I’ll be happy to do. (Though obviously if I don’t know you, leave a note.)

The biggest change at home, of course, was Nikki moving in. I don’t have a blog entry for that because I tend to keep relationship stuff personal but it’s worth mentioning now.

I’m hard pressed to choose the best film of the year, because I loved Sin City and King Kong in equal but different ways (the first like a man loves a fine cigar, and the second like a man loves a fine monkey) but, even in a year where I saw Constantine, Fantastic Four, Star Wars 3 and the Batman film everyone else loves, I can honestly say the most disappointing film of the year was The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. What a turkey.

Musically there’s a lot to choose from. I saw the Pixies, Ben Folds twice and (finally) Garbage, but the performance I’ll look back on most is certainly the Arcade Fire’s set at the Reading Festival. The whole weekend was great, but that’s the one that’s going to stick with me. Not that Pixies, Ben Folds and Garbage won’t, because they were all indescribably excellent as well (I can’t praise the Pixies enough. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so at home than in a Pixies moshpit, and Ben Folds is mind-blowing to watch) but the Arcade Fire come out on top because where everyone else played for like 2 hours, they left the stage after less than half that time and I’m left hungry for more.

I don’t talk much about albums, either, but my favourite from this year is certainly Demon Days. I liked “Dare” way before it was overplayed and annoying, remember! Feel Good Inc. is easily one of the best songs I’ve ever heard, let alone just from this year. Guero gets an honourable mention because even though Beck’s not at his peak, I enjoyed this album a lot over the long-term. I’m not sure which band I’m hoping will be taken out back and shot, especially because this year I feel like there are a great number of very deserving contenders.

I have to forgive the Kaiser Chiefs because, no matter how much I hate I Predict a Riot, I like a few of their other songs. Likewise the Arctic Monkeys get a reprieve because they haven’t released much. I think the band I would most like to have removed from the planet would be Hard Fi, who have shat out some total drivel that’s been driving me absolutely fucking up the wall in recent months, and not produced a note worth listening to. I would have chosen Pete Docherty, but one of my big predictions (hopes?) for 2006 is that left alone, he’ll manage to dispatch of himself.

I think I’ll make some predictions for 2006 tomorrow and, in fact, take a moment to see if I got what I expected out of 2005. But I can’t spend the rest of the year writing blog entires, so for now I’ll wrap it up.

On boxing day I spent the day at Nan’s with Rob, Dad, Nikki, Jo and Rob’s girlfriend Lucy, watching horrendous boxing day TV and playing scrabble because there was too much food inside us to do anything else. The day after, I went to Nikki’s for a bit for her mum’s birthday thing, and then spent the evening (and a fair portion of the night) at Josh’s helping out with his uni work, playing DS games and watching music TV (including “the world’s most fantabulous homes” or something, which involved some truly ludicrous examples of what can only loosely be termed houses.)

I managed to miss most of the snow we had through being asleep, though it was snowing when I arrived at Josh’s and when I left my car was covered in what seemed like three feet of ice where the snow had melted then frozen again when it hit the car, so I spent a good portion of time waiting for the heaters to melt the ice and trying to prevent the car from skidding away.

This morning, we came back to London and were confronted with the reality of trying to warm up a house that’s not been lived in during the coldest period of the year. That is to say, it is the unreality of that situation that we were forced to deal with. I did, however, hook up the DS to the wireless system, so even though my joints were slowly seizing up I managed to thrash some faceless unknowns at Mario Kart. It’s an odd sensation, the knowledge that somewhere in the world there’s some gu, like you, holding his DS, playing Mario Kart, and very possibly getting annoyed that you keep beating him. It almost seems worth losing on purpose to bring some joy into their lives (except, as Josh will attest, I’m a total bastard who taunts people as I beat them by doing things like slowing down just so I can hit them with a shell, or hiding fake item boxes inside real ones.)

I also watched the second half of the Evening with Kevin Smith DVD which, at six quid for four hours, is probably the best value laughs the entire format provides.

I’m considering a proper site overhaul in the few days I’ve got before I go back to work. I was never fully happy with the current design and I think the content of the site, being a good few years out of date now, could do with some overhaulage. But no promises.

It’s important, around Christmas, to remember people. All the while, we’re bombarded with messages in the media about the hardships endured by other people in other countries, and even our own. It really makes us think about how fortunate we are. It makes you think about how you might go about helping these people, or how you can do your bit. And while you think that, it’s drawing your attention away from something. Drawing your attention away from the section of society the media ignores most at Christmas.

Those that have it better than us.

There’s loads of them out there. I mean, there must be. Who else is buying the things you can’t afford to? What did you get for Christmas? Do you think it’s paid off your hard work this year? Do you think the gifts you received are as good as the gifts you gave? Just how good did that food taste? Was it delivered on a golden tray by your army of servants? Is that new car really the one you wanted, or just what you manage? Someone out there is buying the things you want, and they’re doing it with an infinitesimal fraction of their wealth while you struggle on. Bastards. What the fuck is wrong with them? Don’t you think they should get what they deserve!?

Quickly. The carving knife. Secret it upon yourself before anyone sees. Slip away into the night and stalk from window to window. Look, there. The driveway with the Lexi. The owners are probably younger than you are, and twice as rich. How is that fair? What did they do that you didn’t? They’re expecting visitors on today of all days. If you can work fast enough, they’ll never have a chance to stop you. When the door opens, make your strike. Their reflexes are dulled by the wine and food they bought with their dirty money. You can liberate them from their own mistakes, one cut at a time. Now make sure to leave no trace. GO! Like wind in the night, no-one will know it was you who were there. Return to your home and reflect on what you’ve done. Christmas is a time for reflection.

Well, I think we all got carried away a little there. Here what my haul is so far:

A Nintendo DS off Mum/Terry - This is my first console since the fucking SNES, man. I toyed with the diea of buying a GBA SP for a while but it wasn’t until I saw Mario Kart DS that I was swayed into getting the DS. That, and the investigations I’ve done into the homebrew scene that’s made me realise I can unlock the potential without unlocking my wallet. It’s very odd to be getting something that’s not money and not DVDs, that’s for sure.

Speaking of which, DVDs:
Family Guy S2 off Rob - Because I’ve almost finished watching through Season 1.
Harvey Birdman S1 off Mum/Terry - Because as good as crappy DivX is, I needed to own this on DVD.
An Evening With Kevin Smith - Simply, I’ve been without it too long.
Quantum Leap S2 off Nikki - Because Quantum Leap is always going to be excellent.
Conan off Nikki - For the Schwarzenegger commentary. (”Yah now dis is vere I hit de guy in de face.”)

Also pseudomoney:
£5 Fopp voucher off Jo (Pixies CD perhaps? Pixies Sell Out DVD? Happy Gilmore?)
£5 Forbidden Planet voucher off Nikki’s Dad (Going towards Couriers v2/3 or Grrl Scouts)

The usual busload of chocolate (This year’s chocolate orange count surprisingly low so far - 1 orange, 1 mint)
A car sponge off Dad/Fiona (I can take the hint.)
A Tardis Key Ring off Dad/Fiona (The solid metal one. You know what I’m talking about.)
A “Lies to tell small children” book off Nikki’s mum
A torch-keyring off Nikki’s mum
£165 in cash mostly off Dad/Grandparents, and other assorted relatives.
Other usual stuff like socks and deodorant (why at Christmas? Do people particularly stink at christmas, or are people looking for any excuse they can find, that’s what I want to know.)
Other stuff. I think I got all the main gifts though.

Who knows what’s to come tomorrow, as well? You can bet it’ll be slightly unhinged, but maybe I’ll go into that in greater detail later on. Now I’m going to see if I can’t get my DS onto the internet and see what abuse I can get up to with it.

It’s been a painfully busy few days, but work’s finally over until Jan 4th. I have big plans for the next couple of weeks, and they mostly involve being asleep or at least, in bed watching DVDs.

It’s fair to say work ended well, though. When I got there Wayne (salesperson for Travel) e-mailed us to let us know that one of the merchants I’ve been working with had sent us a christmas hamper as thanks for the work, so I raided that for a couple of things, including a bottle of champagne and some smoked salmon (I don’t like it, but Dipesh is vegetarian) which everyone picked up and went “eurgh, smoked salmon” and then, after putting it down, realised their hands now smelt of fish because the packaging was either slightly porous, or covered in fish oils from when it was packed. There were also some belgian truffles, which we shared around, and some biscuits which we left for Alison and/or Garry.

After finishing all the work, we were allowed to leave early, and I got paid today which was a truly great thing, because all this christmas and credit card repayments had stripped me utterly penniless. But no more of that. Remind me to establish some kind of goals and targets list for 2006. Actually I feel like a “best of 2005″ entry is due in the next week or two. It’s important to reduce the year down to its component parts, otherwise it’ll all get lost in the mud. If 2005 isn’t remembered for something, it’s not going to be remembered at all, and I’ve always got the blog where I can look up the unimportant stuff.

Tomorrow Nikki and I are heading back to Leam for the christmas period. It’s not going to be long, but you can believe I’ll be getting anything of value hidden. Any my new frankenstein of a PC is coming back with me (just the base.) To you folk, nothing will change.

And finally, in the style or Trevor McDonald, I thought I’d share with you my utterly hilarious tale of how I went down the tesco metro nearby the other day, only to find that it was “silly hat day” or something, presumably in aid of christmas. They all had the defeated expression and downtrodden posture only a supermarket employee can have. It made the hat thing look like a sick joke at their expense. During this season of obliged consumerism and rampant hypocrisy, even I can find something to smile about.

Today my hard work paid off, and I got the annual pay rise afforded each member of the company. It was not insubstantial. It’s not quite the two grand jump I got when I switched jobs, but it’s a good portion of that, and it’s going to go a long way towards getting me into the zero debt zone in 2006. That doesn’t count student debt of course, which using a handy debt calculator Nikki discovered the other day, I found out that should I continue paying at the current rate, it’ll get written off when I reach age 50 without me paying the whole thing back.

Obviously I’m hoping that my pay will increase between now and 2032, but I can’t help wondering if student debt’s even worth considering as a debt. Unlike some, I’m in no rush to pay it off because its impact on my finances is pleasantly minimal. I could work to the bone and pay off £200 a month for the next five years, but I’m left wondering exactly what that’ll achieve besides ruining me financially for the next five years, which I’m certain is going to be a time when I could really do with the cash.

Speaking of which, I bought the new Jim Mahfood graphic novel, “The further adventures of one-page filler man” yesterday. I’m surprised by how less engaging it is that almost anything I’ve read by him in, well, ever. It has its moments but compared to things like Felt and Stupid Comics it feels like the material is being stretched thin. Maybe it’ll grow on me, but it’s disappointing when the best stuff in the book is reprints of the title character’s earlier appearances. Luckily, I picked up an old Mahfood comic, Voodoom, the other day, and Brian Wood’s been on top form with Local and DMZ recently, so I’ve got plenty of material from my favourite creators to read through, it’s just that I was expecting Mahfood’s first full length graphic novel to be a little less sketchy (er… excuse the pun.)

While Nikki’s back home, Josh, Sam, Ian, Damian and I went to see King Kong at the VUE cinema in Park Royal, which despite being a pretty nice cinema and relatively inexpensive, is ruined by its clientele. I enjoy a good talk throughout a film, but I favour the odd snarky comment over, say, the birthday party that appeared to be going on a few rows across. But there’s a lot of legroom, and they gave us a book of vouchers when we went in. I can get £1.50 off a ticket for the first two weeks of January, which I think we can all agree is the time to catch some, er, quality releases.

King Kong, though, was really good. It wasn’t mindblowing, but that’s because you more or less knew what to expect. Everything looked and played great. I was concerned that I’d get bored during a three hour film because I often start wishing things would hurry up and get to the ending when a film’s longer than two hours, but in this case I didn’t feel any of that. Certainly it was longer than it needed to be, but it had enough in it that I was interested the whole time. The middle section where they’re on the island was great stuff, and makes me wonder why more people don’t have a stab at the pulp-style adventure films which were so popular back in the day, because while this wasn’t exactly high concept, it was damn entertaining to see a guy with an old-time automatic rifle kneecap a dinosaur and cause a Diplodocus pileup. There was a scene with giant insects which is enough to put you right off the idea of exploring any strange islands. Especially because there were leeches that can swallow your head. And do. Ugh.

Naomi Watts has clearly come a long way since she was Jet Girl. Jack Black, however, is the inspired casting in this film. I wouldn’t have remotely thought of him for the role, but as soon as I heard he was in it I realised how perfect his style is for the 30s new york morally ambiguous archetype. He manages to rein himself in just enough that you don’t expect him to pull out a glowing guitar and give Kong some Tenacious Defeat. My favourite character was the writer, Jack Driscoll though, and not just because he got cock-blocked by a 25 foot high monkey. I think of everyone his story arc was the strongest. Actually the whole Woman/Ape “love story” is just incredibly disturbing in many ways. You get the feeling at the end after Kong dies (OH NOES! SPOILER!) that Jack’s probably just being settled for. Assuming they even hook up afterwards. To be honest, I found the almost entire hour before Kong turns up would’ve been a decent enough film by itself, if they’d stuck on a third act and called it a day, instead of making it the first act.

Definitely worth seeing in the cinema, that’s for sure. I’m undecided whether it’ll be worth getting on DVD, but maily due to the length. It’ll depend on what the extras are like. If they fill it full of deleted scenes in a LOTR-esque fashion (and we know there are some missing, because they’re in the trailer but not the film) then maybe yeah, but if it’s just an entire disc of documentaries called things like “Monkey Magic: Bringing Kong to Life” and shows wireframe renderings of Kong scaling a building, then forget it. Best film of the year? Quite possibly. I’m forgetting what else I’ve watched recently. Sin City probably edges it out as my absolute favourite, but King Kong must be top 3, and the only other films I remember going to are Star Wars, Constantine, Batman and Fantastic Four, none of which were great. Also Constantine might’ve been last year. Er, I’ll get back to you on that.

I spent last night in Brixton, locked in a gun-battle with the local youth gangs. It’s a warzone down there. You don’t know what it’s like out on the streets, sitting up in your tower ignoring what’s going on in the streets! WE’RE NOT ANIMALS.

That’s of course a slight embellishment on the truth. I was actually at the Brixton Academy watching Ben Folds.

The support came from the Maccabees. Traditionally this is the point where I eviscerate the support band and offend them when they’re doing google searches for their own name, but in this case they weren’t bad. Not a band I’m going to watch again. It was not unlike if, say, Hard Fi were playing the Clash. They were entertaining enough for someone I’ve never heard of, I guess.

Ben Folds was great as always though. I mean, I don’t have a huge amount of reference points because I’ve only seen him once before, but in my head he’s always as good as this. I think this gig was actually even a little better than the one I went to in Hammersmith earlier this year. His setlists are great because he’s got a massive back catalogue to choose from and god forbid, he actually plays stuff from it instead of rolling out the same stuff every time. It was really good to hear Narcolepsy and Boxing, though I was also very pleased that he played Annie Waits and Where Summer B? because they’re two of my favourite Ben Folds songs and he didn’t play either last time. Of course, I’ll say the same when I see a gig that he plays “Smoke” at. I can’t think of any other artist I’d be so hard pressed to choose a favourite song by.

About ahflway through he did a solo interlude where he also did a bit of always-enjoyable “Audience Banter” before each song. I can never tell if it’s just because I’m a total sycophant, but for some reason when I’m at a gig and the act stops playing and starts talking, it usually sounds like the funniest thing on the planet. I almost forgive Ben Folds his Little Britain impressions. Yesterday he interjected “Ask for it by name!” after the Preperation H line in Rockin’ the Suburbs. He also introduced Boxing and then said “It goes like this…” then his the wrong chord, and said “Fuck, no, it doesn’t go like that.” All of this seemed like comedic genius at the time.

Full setlist:
Bastard / Gone / Annie Waits / All You Can Eat / Prison Food / Trusted / Jesusland / Still Fighting It / You to Thank / Landed / Bitches Ain’t Shit // Brick / Boxing / The Last Polka / Army // The Ascent Of Stan / Where’s Summer B? / Rockin’ The Suburbs / Philosophy/ Not The Same // Narcolepsy / One Angry Dwarf

At the merch stall, they had some dodgy T-Shirts and the WASO DVD. The Tees are some of the worst I’ve ever seen for an artist, it must be said. I’m not fashion-conscious but I wouldn’t be caught dead in any of them. I was considering buying the DVD in one of those agonising situations where your mind isn’t fully made up, so I deferred decision until the end of the gig at which point it was sold out, so luckily I didn’t have to make that decision anymore.

That Nizlopi song makes me wantt to stab the head of the person nearest to me, no matter who that might be. Make no mistake, if you’re skipping school to go ride in a fucking JCB, then you’re on the right track to spending the rest of your life driving diggers.

God, it’s made doubly worse by the fact that they’re from my hometown. The County that brought you the 22-20s, Apartment 26 and Budapest. And was on the front cover of Ocean Colour Scene’s album “Mosely Shoals.”

I have a ben folds thingy to talk about by right now I’m too frustrated by the obvious shiteness of the song and everyone’s seemingly total lack of a wish to admit this.

It’s good when you manage to fulfill an ambition, especially when you’ve only had it about 6 weeks. I remember thinking, and I may have said this before, “Next time Patrick Stewart’s doing a play, I’m going to go see it!” only to discover a mere 2 days later he was doing A Christmas Carol. So Nikki, me, Josh, Ian and Al all went to see that, last night.

It was really excellent. A one-man show, where he played all the characters, and a surprisingly decent view for us from the Balcony. in the best avaailbe of the cheap seats (balcony, but front row balcony.) Christ, the man can project his voice. It lasted a little under 3 hours and was definitely worth the cash. Afterwards, we went and waited for him with the other sycophants outside the stage door and got our tickets signed, though it has to be said he’s not the most generous autographer around. He wasn’t signing stuff for people who hadn’t seen the show and he wouldn’t sign Al’s Star Trek DVD. His reasons are all easy to understand, but when compared to other people I’ve seen who’re basically prepared to write and sign anything for any reason, simply because the people they’re doing it for are fans, it doesn’t put him across in a great light. It’s tainted Al’s opinion of him somewhat, that’s for sure, though personally it’s about what I expected.

Still, I’m pleased to have taken the chance to meet him, and to see him on stage doing a suitably christmassy play. During the performance I was thinking “Wow, if they haven’t got a charity outside with buckets they’ll be really missing a trick.” but those opportunistic bastards were way ahead of me and, while people were feeling sufficiently moved to do so, were ready to extract coinage. One of the most interesting things about the play was that it stays far closer to the original text than most adaptations, so the version was actually slightly different to what I’m used to seeing. Most enjoyable, anyway.

Before the play, we all went for food at “Smollensky’s Metro” on Charing Cross road, which did some pretty decent burgers and because it’s christmas, gave us all a cracker each, which was very thoughtful even if the gifts inside were tacky plasticky crap. I got a neon pink plastic bookmark the likes of which I’m unlikely to use. They did have jokes inside too. Mine began: “What type of nut has no shell?” and elicited answers which can only be described as “poorly thought out” from Josh (”A Peanut! No? A Cashew?”) and Nikki (”A Coconut!”)

(The answer was Doughnut.)

Today the same bunch of us went to the carvery in Windsor for a Christmas meal because none of us could really be arsed to cook one this year. Even now, some 8 hours later, I’m utterly stuffed. We had to wait an hour for a table and then some guy collapsed because of his diabetes and they had to call in the paramedics, but it was all worth it. The waitress there was the same we’ve had the last two times and actually recognised us, which was frankly astonishing as we haven’t been there in 4 months and it’s only the third time ever, or something. Now even the thought of food makes me feel ill. When we got back, we watched Land of the Dead which is an excellent addition to Romero’s canon, pleasantly gory and very original with the violence and scares, while remaining in the classic mold. It’s worth watching if only for the on-screen reunion of Mario Bros. stars John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper. You know you want it.

I made a good call on that whole illness thing. I haven’t been this ill since I didn’t go and see Alien Versus Predator because I was too ill, though by the sounds of it, even if I had been well at the start of that film, I’d have been chucking up by the end of it.

And speaking of films, the X-Men 3 trailer came out today and it’s restored my faith in the film. From what I’d heard, I was sure it’ll suck, but even with what little material there is I’m hopeful it’ll turn out good. Even if the third film marks the end of a bunch of contracts and thus, a couple of rumoured character deaths. It’s odd how I’m way more interested in seeing Iceman and Pyro in the film than some of the big hitters. It makes sense for them to do what I assume was intentional, and build up the cheaper actors in supporting roles so that they can replace the big guns with then once the contracts end. Halle berry might not be back for say, X-Men 4, but if they can bring back Iceman, Pyro and Rogue then there’ll be a passing of the torch which would seem legitimate given the rotating membership of the X-Men. Like the rotating membership in my X-Men Legends 2 game. It has supplanted Bubble Bobble as it supplanted Indigo Prophecy before it, which in turn replaced Ultimate Spider-Man. We’ll have to see how long my attention span can keep up. (Though to be fair, I completed USM, achieved my goal in Bubble Bobble, and intend to go back to Indigo Prophecy, but frankly, I’d feel guilty about neglecting these games only if I’d actually paid for them in the first place.)

Pop culture consumption must go in cycles like that. As soon as Nikki and I run out of Red Dwarf VII to watch, Angel Season 5 arrives on DVD. Just when I thought I’d run out of new comics to read, I discover a Jim Mahfood comic (”Voodoom”) I’m going to deem rare simply because I’d never heard of it. Though I read that while I was stuck on the tube the other day because of a suspicious package a few cars down.

Actually, there’s probably a story in that. I’ve now got first hand knowledge of the procedure. What happens is someone hits the alarm, the train grinds to a halt, and then the driver sits in his cab stewing for a bit until eventually deciding that he’s got to go check it out. When he’s checked it out a bit, he radios some reflective-coated people to hitch a lift on the next train coming our way so that they can check it out properly. They deem it to be somebody’s discarded lunchbox or mislaid shopping, and the tube is allowed to continue having been stopped about 20 minutes. All the while this is going on, everyone else on the train whines and compains and phones their friends to tell them that some moron has let their paranoia get the better of them and doomed us all to monsterous inconvenience. So now you know the procedure should you get stuck in that situation.