Diary of an up and coming sociopath

This week’s big star is Volume 2 of Genshiken. It feels like I’ve been waiting years for this. When we went to Forbidden Planet at Lunchtime they hadn’t actually put it oun the shelves, so after work finished I went back and got it because I couldn’t take the strain of waiting another day. However, i’m not going to examine Genshiken because I wait so long for the next volume that I can’t actually bring myself to read it all in one go. I’m reading one chapter a week, which isn’t a huge amount but is a complete enough narrative to live in that format. It’ll last me 6 weeks, if all goes well, which means about six weeks after that the next volume will come out. Manga can be good value, but the glacial release pace makes the format somewhat frustrating, and this is only for pre-existing work. If, like Excel Saga, the translations catch up to the originators, you’re looking at a seriously painful wait between volumes. It’s best not to think about it.

Giant Size Spider-Woman #1 - I’m enjoying the return of this format. It reminds me somewhat of Marvel UK/Panini’s tendancy to reprint a “current” US story alongside a bunch of classics. I love reading older comics but I’m not attracted by the low quality of the “Essentials” phonebook reprints or the high price point of the masterworks hardbacks. This way is a happy enough medium for me. For Spider-Woman’s first Giant Size issue, the big draw is probably an 8-pager by Bendis and Rick Mays, which sheds a little more light on some New Avengers plotlines. Rick Mays has a nice clean art style and if he was doing a monthly Spider-Woman (I’m sure it’s in the works) I’d be glad to buy it. The backup stories are Spider-Woman’s first appearance (Marvel Spotlight #32) and her first issue, along with an X-Men guest star 2-parter that introduced Siryn, Banshee’s daughter (Spider-Woman #1, #37, #38) They’re all good stories, however, they cover a bit of the same material. In that 3 of them explain her origin in an extended sequence. Before I read this I had no idea how she got her powers and stuff. Now I’ve read it enough times that I’m almost certain it’s actually too convoluted to bother about. I have no further complaints than that, so while it’s not quite as good as the X-Men one from the other week, it’s definitely worth buying. A-, but only if you’re a fan of reprints.

X-Men #173: Bizarre Love Triangle, Part 3 - I enjoyed this less than the last issue. Milligan has left it ambiguous as to what actually happened after last issue’s end, and indeed, what Mystique’s motivations are. They’re laid out last issue, then changed, then that change is revealed to be cover for teh truth, or something. There’s no way to tell which is the genuine reason. It’s an issue where very little is explained and very little happens. The potential status quo changes for Gambit and Rogue doesn’t feel believable because it’s been done before, so until the arc’s over I’m reserving judgement. Rogue’s angry with Gambit, but she’s still referring to him as “my man” at the end of the issue, so it’s unclear what she’s thinking too. Even the Havok/Iceman/Polaris subplot is unclear. I dunno. As the penultimate issue of the arc it’s naturally feeling like it treads water a little, I’m expecting big things of the final issue given the overall attention to character this arc has played, but so far the quality has been quite uneven. B-.

The Pulse #10 - I love Michael Lark’s art. For a moment it almost seemed like Gaydos was back. Which he will be soon! Can’t complain about lark’s work, but I’m very glad to see Gaydos come back to a regular gig, even if it is bi-monthly. This issue gives a human-level look at what’s going on in the House of M universe, and more interestingly, shows that Hawkeye is able to see through the illusions as a result of meeting Layla. I’m not sure if this is a stand alone issue, but I suspect it might be. If it is, then it’s a bit cheap because it’ll end up as essentially a trailer to a larger event. If not, then it’ll feel like it’s a bit big a story to happen in a tie-in. Either way, though, this issue remains a nice character piece for the Bugle reporter, and an good examination of Hawkeye, the character no-one liked until he died. I just wish the Pulse would get back to its own story though, the previous arc was a secret war tie-in and it’s getting hard to remember what the hell was going on before that. B+.

The Pulse House of M Special Edition - This is a great gimmick. A comic-sized issue of the Pulse newspaper (printed on genuine newspaper!) for the House of M universe. At 35p ($0.50) I couldn’t turn down buying this. It’s a gimmick and will almost certainly contain nothing of import, but at least it shows some innovation and an attempt as cross-promotion which, as a business, Marvel can occasionally screw up. Exempt from ratings, but worth buying.

Let’s all thank stargreen for having a slightly more liberal definition of 9:00am than Seetickets. Especially since stargreen don’t send their tickets out with SMS, the world’s worst courier service.

Thank you for your order

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Wednesday, 31 August 2005 : PIXIES - ALEXANDRA PALACE : STANDING (Ordering 1-4 tickets) £31.75 1 £31.75
Cost of tickets £31.75
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TOTAL £36.75

Excellent.

Now I’m going back to bed.

Just got in from seeing the Fantastic Four film. We intended to go last week when it came out, but forces conspired against us. It’s been quite an uneven prospect, seeing this film, because the trailers have made it all look quite horrendously bad. Everyone except me was expecting something truly horrible, where I was cautiously optimistic. It couldn’t get as bad as Hulk, that’s for damn sure.

Having seen it, I don’t think it’s that bad at all. There’s plenty of scope for improvement, but they could’ve done far worse. One of the main problems with it, thematically speaking, is that the FF are supposed to be the “Superhero Family” and that dynamic was almost entirely missing. The problem with taking that angle would’ve been quite evident, though, because The Incredibles came out not that long ago and it really shamelessly lifted a lot of the stuff from FF. The Incredibles is almost the Fantastic Four movie that never was. That’s not to say there isn’t a character dynamic, though, one of the strongest things about the FF film is that the plot and story is almost entirely character-driven. It’s about people afecting people and their motivations come from that.

As you can probably guess, Johnny gets all the great lines and jokes, and the Thing gets the most pathos. Sue and Doom are the most altered characters, but the latter is well-defined at least. Reed is quite bland, it has to be said, and he doesn’t display a lot of the leadership ability and intelligence of the comics version, but he’s inoffensive at least. I always though Jessica Alba as Sue was some truly horrendous casting, and this film really proved me right on that. Chiklis does a great Thing, though, and his character is the highlight of the film.

They took enough of the stuff from the comic that it still feels close enough to be the Fantastic Four. They incorporated Reed’s guilt about what he’d done to everyone, Ben’s loyalty to Reed, and the antagonistic relationship between Johnny and Ben. Doom barely resembles the comic version at all, and while I understand the changes, it’s getting a little too far away from the character for my liking. Very little of the actual Doom remains in the movie version.

Plot-wise, the film does quite well. It’s simplistic (Reed convinces Doom to pay for them to go into space, they get powers in an accident that Doom’s arrogance causes, Doom’s company is ruined and he goes after the others to get revenge, and they stop him) but like I said, character-based enough to work. I particularly enjoyed that they didn’t tack on a huge evil plot to Doom’s story. He was just out for revenge against Reed, the man he thinks took everything from him. He didn’t care who he killed to reach that goal, but he wasn’t trying to hold the city to ransom or anything. Doom’s arc was perilously close to Norman Osborn in Spider-Man 2, though. Reed and Sue’s romance is again, quite far removed from the comics, but in this case while it’s not exactly how it went originally, it doesn’t feel tacked on or shoe-horned in like some films. I definitely enjoyed seeing the FF dealing with being made into celebrities by their powers. Spider-Man and the X-Men are hated and feared, but the FF are adored by the public, so it was pleasing to see the more original dynamic get highlighted.

The effects are all quite nice. There aren’t many places where it looked dodgy, though some of Reed’s stretching appears, a bit “weightless” in the way that CGI can. The set pieces are all surprisingly well-done, even the odd appearance of a ski/sonwboard exxxtreme sports scene. The intial scene where the Fantastic Four all demonstrate and test their powers to save people in a traffic accident was a great bit, and second only to the finalé where all four characters team up to take down Doom. There are plenty of missed opportunities, though and since they messed about with the origin quite significantly (I’m aware the original origin story is utterly stupid by modern comparisons) I was upset not to see the scene where the four stand around in a flaming wreckage discovering their powers.

There were a few problems, of course. Alba was a horrible choice for casting, and the first 10-15 minutes of the film are a little confusing because they move at breakneck speed spouting exposition so they can get into space and receive their powers. It was refreshing to see a film where the superheroes show up almost at the start, though. None of this “training to be a ninja” shite. Biggest of all, like the original X-Men film there’s too much riding on setup. This could lead into a truly great second film, but right now it’s weakened by the need to set up the characters and concept.

On a scale of Hulk to Sin City, I’d say this film hovers around the X-Men mark. Tomorrow, or possibly later tonight depending on how I’m feeling, I will reorganise and explain my list of comics films in order of goodness so that the comparison actually makes a little sense to you. When I added Batman to it the other week I realised it was looking a little schizophrenic, so I’m hoping to even it out a little. Until then, I can sense your impatience.

Excellent. I guess I can call off that lie-in tomorrow morning.

(Don’t worry. I’ll go back to bed once I get through. If I get through. Which I’d better. Even if I am going to see them at Reading only days before.)

It’s been a damn busy week. Despite having Monday off, it seems I’ve spent more time at work than ever, though not least because I have actually been staying longer so I can learn new stuff for when I officially start the travel job. Nothing too taxing yet, but it certainly seems a lot more frantic.

I did take a stupidly long time to get home tonight because someone had killed themselves at Turnham Green which suspended train activity down the bit I wanted to use. I may not be in an objective position here, but even though no man is an island, I can stand being diminished that little bit if it means that someone willing to make rush hour even less fun for everyone has shuffled themselves off this mortal coil like the first penguin falling into shark-filled waters.

And speaking of such themes, I finished reading Haunted the other day. The ending was lacklustre, I felt. It felt like it needed a bang but the story demanded a whimper. I agree with the choice but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I think it’s going to go in as probably my favourite Palahniuk book, certainly the one I’m most likely to read from again. The overreaching plot is a brilliant suspense/mystery wth the really weird device of having no specific narrator. It’s all written by a collective effort of the characters in the story, so everyone gets a focus and no-one gets more sympathy from the reader by virtue of being the narrator. As good as the framing arc is, the short stories are the real meat of the book though. They’re almost universally great, and most of them are genuinely stand alone. I find myself wondering which were written before the book was conceived, and which filled in his gaps. If you’re a fan of his writing style, I’d say Haunted is a must-buy, but I’m terribly biased because I love the short story format far more than a full-length novel. Maybe it’s something to do with distilled ideas or instant gratification, or even just ease of digestion, but I can’t get enough.

I know some people don’t like it Palahniuk’s style, but it’s never bothered me personally. The thing is, in addition to accepting his weird technique, you have to be willing to forgive what you might perceive as “shock” writing to enjoy the book best. He really plumbs the depths of human behaviour at some points, and I was genuinely surprised when I discovered something more unsettling than Guts in the book. That said, I do genuinely believe it’s all got an artistic purpose that makes it valid expression. Definitely not for anyone too conservative though.

Reading all of Haunted took me a week, reading only on the tube to and from work. I’m now starting on “Yes Man,” the new Danny Wallace book, which I’m enjoying very much so far.

It’s been another of those packed weekends. The kind that take me away from my PC and into the murky depths of the outside world. The kind that leave no room for the important blogging aspect of life. It seems that I’ve left many an issue unattended to, so I’m just going to fall back on the timeless expanded-list device. Here’s what you need to know to keep up with my life of late.

1. Promotion! Remember that job interview I had the other day? I got the position. I will be, from the 8th of August, a Travel Category Developer. My days of product matching purgatory are coming to an end and I’ll soon be able to do a job far more suited to my many talents. I hear this one may even involve the use of some actual technical knowledge. It’s a big step towards advancing my career as a web developer (which as we all know is just a stopover on my way to comic-writer superstar.) I get a pay rise of £2,000; a pension; stock options; a permanent contract! I also will move desks soon. Training begins tomorrow.

2. Wedding Reception Fun. On Saturday we went to a wedding reception at some zoo north of London, just off the M1. I won’t lie. I can’t stand weddings, nor wedding receptions, and this encompassed roughly everything I hate about them. Paul and Relly’s I could stomach, because I knew the people and actually cared about being there, but the same was not true on Saturday. It could’ve been worse, but frankly it was more or less what I was expecting. It was at a zoo, though, so despite nazi-like zoo employees keeping people herded in the vicinity of the function room, there was a chance to see the free-roaming wallabies, which was quite cool.

3. Paul and Relly’s Anniversary With our typically relaxed attitude towards navigation it was quite fortuitous we made it there at all, but on Sunday Nikki and I attended the anniversary party of the aforementioned couple, at Relly’s aunt and uncle’s house in some village near to Windsor. It was good to see Paul and Relly again since we don’t get the chance as often as would be nice, and we’re usually relegated to conversing over MSN for a good 6 months between each meeting. We spent a good portion of it trying, as a group, to use an electrified tennis-raquet thing to destroy a wasp but it tended to cause more danger than the wasp itself as people tried to duck out of the way of being electrocuted and kncoking over people’s drinks. Paul showed us a couple of new magic tricks, which I think indicates that his need to display them isn’t being fulfilled at home. That could become a serious problem for a marriage about 30 or 40 years in.

However, given that it’s the first anniversary, there isn’t a huge problem with magic tricks just yet. Apparantly the first anniversary is “paper”, so I suggested buying a ream of decent cartridge paper. Apparantly that’s a dumb gift and we got like a candle or something, but you could tell they were secretly disappointed when I was explaining what they could’ve had. 500 sheets of the really good stuff, that’s what I was pushing for. The thick stuff you can print your CV on and be proud of it. The Wikipedia entry for Wedding Anniversaries suggests that in future years I can get even more inventive, though I’m concerned that in 14 years I’ll have to come up with an ivory-based gift. That’d be difficult even now, but in 14 years it’ll be debatable that ivory will even still exist. I may campaign in the interim for 14 years to become the Tungsten anniversary. Can’t go wrong with a bit of Tungsten in 2018.

I’m slightly concerned by the German list though. It suggests that on your 12 1/2th anniversary you can look forward to parsley, if you make it to 33 1/2 you’ll get the vegetables and garlic to go with that, at 28 you get the twin joys of Fire and Mercury, two of nature’s most favourite killers, and if that doesn’t finish you off your 100th anniversary is your “heaven” anniversary whichc suggests to me that they acknowledge how old you are and give you a brief spot of euthanasia to push you over the edge.

I’m sensing that I’ve become sidetracked. Back to the issues at hand.

4. Defrostation. After coming back from the supermarket today (I took some time off to recover from driving up and down the country over the last few days) Nikki, Josh and I decided to defrost the freezer because it’s been getting quite ridiculous. It took some really quite violent attacking and a lot of boiling the kettle, but we successfully cleared it out and packed it all back up without having to let it all melt for a day. I feel like we’ve reclaimed a lot of space in there. This is the kind of thing people neglect to tell you you’ll be doing once you get your own place. By contract, I spent the afternoon thrashing Josh at Street Fighter 2 and 3, which is more like what you expect to be doing when you move out of home, then we spent an hour smacking our respective bitches up in San Andreas, which is the first time I’ve played a new-wave (as in, 3D) GTA game.

5. MOT. Impact Car Care in Ealing. They passed the car, and they were accomodating of my situation with regards to dropping the car off and picking it up. I recommend you use them if you’re in the area. I found myself woefully unable to find opinions online of MOT places which wa sa problem because I just moved here with no knowledge of who might try and rip me off or anything, but having used them I can say to any prospective searchers that my experiences were all positive.

6. Latest Tube Terrorism. Didn’t affect me hugely this time, though it did mean Nikki had to duck under a police cordon to get into my workplace when they taped it off because they decided a bike with a bag on it was a potential threat and sealed off the road. I brought Nikki upstairs and sat here in the office while I finished up work, then we made haste, and remained unexploded.

I wondered recently how all 4 of the would-be bombers managed to escape. I was thinking that in the same situation I’d like to think I’d have to testicles to at least try and stop them from running off in some way. Like say, Spider-Man would. It later occured to me that Spider-Man’s entire career is defined by the criminal he didn’t stop, so in retrospect I’d probably have to let any bombers go the first time, so I understand now how they managed it.

Well, i’m not sure what the hell happened, but this week I had 8 comics to buy and I found a Brian Wood graphic novel on sale, so naturally I was compelled to buy. It’s probably time to start getting the Brian Wood back catalogue because in about 3 months his output is going to balloon utterly. DMZ (Ongoing), The Tourist, Supermarket and Local are all out at the end of 2005/start of 2006. I fuly endorse anything this man does. He is without a doubt my most favourite comic creator. I’ll leave the explanations until another day, because for now, I have like 9 hack jobs to do. Don’t be too surprised if some of these get a little short.

Incredible Hulk #84 - At this point, I’m certainly going to say it should’ve been a House of M miniseries. I have to admit I’m disappointed by Peter David’s return to the Hulk. It’s seemed pretty directionless and had some pretty lacklustre stuff in it compared to what he should be capable of. I’m not enjoying this story very much at all, it barely seems to be connected to the previous issue and the art seems a little worse than previously. Or I’m enjoying it less, at least. I mean, technically there are no flaws, it holds together well as a piece of craft, but I’m not appreciating it on any level above that. In recognition of that, I’ll say D+, and that grade’s all about effort rather than achievement.

Daredevil #75: Decalogue, Part 5 - As ever, Bendis and Maleev deliver in spades. This is the 75th issue of the Marvel Knights relaunch of Daredevil and I’m probably going to say it’s been one of the most consistently great comics for most of that run. This whole arc has bordered on horror at times, and this episode really goes for that in some places. Maleev’s art is probably the most perfect choice possible. The payoff for 4 issues of relatively slow discussion and the portrayal of disconnected events is immense. Bendis redeems the disappointing and slow start with what it probably my favourite Daredevil comic in the last year or two. It has some real defining moments for the growth of Daredevil that’s ocurred under Bendis, such as Matt’s speech about what he’s trying to do in Hell’s Kitchen, how he’s trying to save it. It’s given him a unique motivation that fits in perfectly within the established character boundaries, because there’s always been a sense of community around the character of Daredevil and turning him into this urban myth who nonetheless makes his presence felt it an excellent direction which I hope other writers would pay attention to. The worst this about this comic is that it heralds the end of the penultimate Bendis/Maleev arc. A+ for the issue, A- for the arc because the early issues were quite weak, but work a little better with context.

Ultimate Spider-Man #80: Warriors, Part 2 - I can’t pretend I’m interested in Ultimate Moon Knight in the slightest, but I’m slightly more interested in seeing Ultimate Elektra/Kingpin back. There’s an excellent scene where Spidey eats a pizza with the Kinpin who has been forced to go legit until the FBI stop watching him. He gives Peter the information he needs to stop his enemies, who are coincidentally, the Kingpin’s enemies. I still don’t care much for the organised crime angle, but the character interplay is so good that I’m not too bothered by it. At least, not for this issue where it’s kind of sidelined. I keep saying it, but Bendis and Bagley are a great team, and even their bad issues are good. B+

Astonishing X-Men #11: Dangerous, Part 5 - Professor X kicks some serious robot ass and then conversations it to death. My nomination for greatest action scene of the Whedon/Cassaday run. I was kind of surprised the X-Men injuries from last issue were apparantly real and that the characters were saved by a few healers they have at the school. The plot logic follows but as a narrative choice I’m not sure why it was done. They do appear to be planning to address the fact that Danger tried to, but couldn’t actually kill any of them, though the final pages here mean they might not get a chance. A fucking great cliffhanger that left me going “You know, that’s a really good point…” - I’m always glad when someone acknowledges Morrison’s run too, because it’s quite frequently ignored. This whole run so far is textbook X-Men. A.

House of M #4 - There’’s a much better sense of plot emerging now. It took 4 issues, 2 of which seem almost disposable at this point, but the story’s starting to come together nicely. A new character, Layla, is introduced and they’ve been saying big things will be afoot for her in the future. As it is, she remembers how the MU was before it was altered, so she’s clearly quite important for House of M, but afterwards, who knows? Once again there’s some great Wolverine material in here, but it’s also good to see Hawkeye up and about again. Art, writing and plot are all about as good as I ever see them get from superhero comics. A+.

Secrets of the House of M - Remember that “Secret War: From the files of Nick Fury” handbook I tricked myself into buying, despite the fact it was just a bunch of profiles written up by authors unconnected to the main story? Well, I did it again, because I’m a sucker for punishment. In fairness, this is all about characters whose history is different from what I knew, so it’s fun to see what significant might’ve changed in the HoM universe. It reads almost like a sourcebook for any writers who want to do HoM stories so that they’re familiar with the universe outside of published work. For instance, will we really ever see Apocalypse in HoM or is it enough for this profiles book to say he’s ruling Africa? Stuff like that raises some interesting questions. As before though, the nature of this book means it’s Rated E for Exempt.

Marvel Knights Spider-Man #16: Wild Blue Yonder, Part 4 - Given the future of the Spider-Man franchise, I may drop this book after this arc ends until the crossover “The Other” begins. The fake-outs I predicted might be there last month don’t seem to be forthcoming, and instead it turns out Ethan is the first in a new wave of super skrull. I’m not so sure that’s a great direction to go. I’m generally opposed to Spider-Man tackling situations like this, because he’s really a street-level kind of guy, and that’s how I find he works best for me. The farcical nature of Ethan’s attempts to be a hero and conceal his identity in increasingly thin Superman parodies (we’re talking as blatant as “No-one will recognise me with my glasses on..” here) is still quite funny, and the idea of tricking the Absorbing Man into turning into drugs then cutting him up and selling him before he knows what’s going on is definitely one of those “Why does no-one try that?” moments. I’m still enjoying the art, but the writing has taken a slight downturn. B-.

Rising Stars: Voices of the Dead #2 - In true Rising Stars fashion, this comes out a couple of months after the last issue. Given the final page, which seems to layout the plot for this mini, it seems a little like it might be treading water again for this issue, though it’s also likely that Avery is setting up Lionel’s moral compass for future plot reasons. Can’t complain, but it’s also hard to see what the point of this comic is. Rising Stars is over, and this isn’t, at present, telling an especially unique story, or one that contributes to the character or overall themes of Rising Stars in any significant way. It’s more like it was written because they wanted to write something around Lionel’s “seeing the dead” gimmick. B-.

Couscous Express - I found this for a fiver. An utter Bargain. I’ve not read any of Brian Wood’s “Couriers” work and I didn’t realise this was connected to it until I recognised two of the characters from interviews I’ve read. I believe it’s the first Couriers book, in fact. An early example of Wood’s work, it has a few of his pet themes in (family and community) and contains some the action sequences that he uses to great effect. Brett Weldele provides the art which is incredibly loose and sketchy, especially for a big name publisher. It’s not bad at all, but it looks quite rooted in the DIY minicomic ethos and when you get a commercial graphic novel, there’s some expectation for slightly higher production values. Not the worst artwork I’ve seen, but could be far better. I am inspired by this to go seek out the remaining Couriers books. B.

I had intended to be a little more expository tonight, but I was lying on the bed next to Nikki and then I woke up and realised I’d had half an hour’s sleep, so I’m feeling kind of groggy and about to go back to bed once I’ve sorted some stuff out here. It’s not often I go to be before midnight, even in these days of heavy workload, but some days it’s just a really good idea. I can function properly on 5-6 hours sleep a night, but really, who wants to do that every day? I’ll cut my losses with regard to free time and hit the sack, methinks.

Especially since for the next few days you can bet I’m going to be up at like 8am (yes, even the weekends) just in case tickets go on sale. For the motherfucking Pixies! Okay, admittedly I’m seeing them at Reading just days before so I won’t be like, crushed if I don’t get to go, but I’ll be giving it my best shot. What I don’t understand is why I’m doing this alone AGAIN. It’s not that I need the company, I enjoy a gig alone as much as with my friends there because I usually end up running off on my own anyway, it’s more like… do you people not understand the Pixies or something? Why have I been the only person I know buying tickets? Why would anyone pass up the opportunity?! When £30 buys you a Ben Folds or a Garbage ticket these days, do you not see how that makes Pixies tickets a bargain the likes of which do not exist elsewhere on the planet!? Do you lot think you’ve somehow got BETTER things to spend £30 on in your pitiful empty lives?! FRANKLY, YOU ALL DISGUST ME.

Deep breath.

I…apologise for the outburst. in the spirit of good candour, I should not have been so forceful with my views. It was wrong of me to be judgemental. Presumptuous of me to think that INFIDELS like YOU, THE READER, DESERVE TO GAZE UPON THE MIGHTY PIXIES. TO SOIL THEIR PURITY WITH YOUR DISGUSTING PRESENCE. BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP THEM MAGGOTS. ACCEPT THEM INTO YOUR LIVES AND LET THEM REMAKE YOUR PUPAL EXISTENCE. BECOME WORTHY. OPEN YOUR PATHETIC MINDS TO

The remainder of this entry has been cancelled due to author malfunction. We apologise for any inconvenience and hope to resume normal service as soon as possible. Sincerely, the Administration.

“Superman, WHY!?”

Taken from the product description of the iRiver N10.

The iriver N10 is the trendy fashion player [What’s that? It plays trendy fashion? It is a fashion player that’s trendy?] for the lifestyle [buzzword] generation [buzzword].

Based on a new and utterly unique concept [wait for it..] it can be slipped into your pocket like any conventional MP3 player [non-unique concept] or worn gracefully [what?] around the neck [non-unique concept] as a fashion statement [non-unique concept, and also the statement it makes would presumably be “I am so dumb I have to wear my MP3 player around my neck to keep from losing it.” Or worse, “I am so dumb I bought into the marketing nonsense”].

High-grade earphones are built into the neckchain. This smart little trendsetter [How can you call something a trendsetter before it’s set a trend? Are MP3 necklaces sweeping the country in secret?] measures just 62 x 27 x 13 mm and weighs only 24 grams, but it is bursting with surprising technical innovations. [ULTRA BUZZWORD] Its bright blue… [blah blah blah attempts to make basic functionality seem like genuine features have been removed] …on your computer. A built-in microphone produces very high quality digital voice recordings [Liar.].

The iriver N10 is available with either 128, 256 or 512 MB of memory [It’s also available with 1gb…]. Intuitive controls that include all kinds of personalization[Loses points for Americanised spelling. If they can’t change marketing for localisation, they deserve a pedantic response] options add the finishing touches to this eye-catching [”Oh my god, what the hell is that guy wearing around his neck!?”] little MP3 player.

A must for everyone who likes to stay ahead of the fashion. [So is it fashionable, or what? It’s not yet but it will be? It’s BEYOND fashionable, perhaps. You trendy fashion-generation lifestyle setters can’t comprehend it. It’s innovations are beyond your petty notions of human fashion. And when they say “The Fashion” I’m assuming they meant to write “The Fashion Police”]

It’s a fucking MP3 player, guys. And not a very good one.