Diary of an up and coming sociopath

Today began not unlike a farce. Nikki is going to be in Leamington for a few weeks at the minimum, so I’m essentially here by myself. I was preparing to get dressed, when I was forced into a confrontation with a spider roughly the size of my head. I had to beat it to death with an empty plastic bottle, though it took a while because it had me trapped in a corner of the room. It stood menacingly between me and the weapon. malevolently. As if to say, “Go on, come near me, I DARE you.” Given that these days, the spiders around here are filled with poison and eggs and occasionally like to jump a foot in the air, I’m pretty cautious about going near them, especially since I’m a complete wuss when it comes to spiders. I can blame my mother for that. Without Nikki here to throw me the bottle, I was totally weaponless until I accomplished a feat of gymnastics and propelled myself over the huge beast without disturbing it, uniting myself with the bottle, and striking at the beast, causing it to go the way of the dinosaur. By which I mean, buried beneath many thousands of tonnes of rock for 65 million years.

After that, though, the actual getting dressed portion of the day began, and I discovered I was unable to complete a set of clothing, because most of it was due to be washed. Fair enough, but since we got a new washing machine and Nikki tended to do the washing well before I was even awake, I was left completely confused as to how, exactly, I was supposed to wash clothes. I used to do it myself in the first year, but christ, I didn’t have a clue. So many settings, so little idea of the difference. We didn’t have tablets, either, but liquid, which I’ve never used, so I was again completely ignorant of the procedure. I was supposed to choose an amount based on the quantity and nature of the wash, but I had no idea what the terms on the bottle pertained to for a bunch of t-shirts, so I just chose the average amount, and things seemed to work out fine.

Great. I’ve been alone here one day and this is the kind of situation I’m having to contend with. I can hardly wait for the next few weeks’ hilarious hi-jinks.